I celebrated my child’s birthday yesterday. She turned 8. It was a bitter-sweet party. We loved going to the pond and eating watermelon and fry-bread on the shore. We loved the giggles from the kids on the floaties but we deeply missed the people in our family who were not able to be there, so there were some holes in what we did.
Jesus brought me to this:
The Back Story (Matt. 6:9-13)
Jesus had been teaching and teaching. Teaching about everything under the sun from money and fasting to loving your enemies (possibly your spouse), revenge and giving to the poor. He then taught about prayer.
He said, “when you pray, pray like this:”
I have been praying that prayer diligently for a while and realized it included EVERTYHING on my mind, but the problem was, when I really thought about it, I didn’t fully understand it. So, after reading some commentaries and looking up Hebrew words here and there, I wrote my own version, that I CAN understand.
“Daddy, in heaven. (Our Father In Heaven)
You are at the height of readiness of all that is good, and that sets You apart. (Hallowed be your name)
I want your kingdom, with YOU as the ruler and King, to come. I want your judgments to be followed through here, where I live and all over the earth, just like they are 100% obeyed in heaven. (Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven)
Please give me what I need for today – emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially. (Give us today our daily bread)
Forgive me for the things I should have done but didn’t and also the things that I did, that violated your laws. I also forgive others of the same. (Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us).
Save me from myself and fleshly things I want that aren’t good for me and are not a part of your plan (And lead us not into temptation)
And save me from the attacks of the enemy as well (And deliver us from evil).
Thoughts
It took me about an hour and a half the first time I worked through that prayer. I didn’t just recite it, I thought it, mulled it over in my head and then prayed it with meaning.
THAT was a process.
I am working through my hurts through the power of that prayer and oddly enough, it’s getting a little faster each day.
About the holes of missing people. Let’s be practical: How do we connect and believe in God’s goodness and expectation/preparation of all that is good (Hallowed by Your name), when the pain is so great? This is what I do:
- I acknowledge the Sovereignty (the In-Chargeness) of God. There are some things in this life that are just too great for me to understand. This is certainly one of those plans. I just don’t get it. My heart doesn’t get the pain. But that doesn’t mean I don’t trust Jesus, it means I have to trust Him all-the-more because some things I just can’t fathom.
- Gently and carefully, I take each day (many times) to purposefully look at those holes (the holes where people should be, but aren’t right now) and honor that person in my life. I wait there beside the hole, for a moment, or a long while. Shed a single tear or weep. Laugh at a memory or just be still. God is teaching me to refuse to avoid this step even though it causes great pain. If I built a mental box around it and decorated it with distraction, I may be in less pain, but then what? I am reminded of the verse Isaiah 49:15
Keep in mind, there is a difference between fixation/dwelling and honoring. I’m not talk about falling into a hole(fixation) or boarding up the hole (avoidance), I’m talking about sitting with the hole. Taking it in. Holding it in my heart and then releasing it to Jesus and trusting that He will work things out for his honor and glory because that is always the best.
This is probably the most painful process of emotional work I have ever done in my life. To sit there in the pain, not turning away. To stop myself from jumping into the hole to drown, but to “be with” the pain. That’s why it takes SO long to get through the prayer. I have to keep getting OUT of the hole that I just wanted to drown in, dry off and reposition myself on the side. Or I have to take the hammer to pry off the boards that I just put up in distraction. God has called me to sit quietly, and so I will do my best.
Often as I sit, I am directed to ask the pain to tell me what it wants to tell me. “what do you want me to know” It’s surprising what pain says sometimes. The other day it said, “Absence of loved ones, is pain. (Pause) Listen Again, Absence of loved ones, is pain. (Pause) Pain is telling me of love. (Deeper Pause) Love is of God. (Pause) God is love. (Yes and Amen)” How could I not want that? (even if it is painful).
The way of working through pain is trust, not trying harder. (See Steven Furtick’s video below). If you don’t have Jesus, you can only trust in yourself. I know I just don’t go that far. I will come to the end of myself and fall off a cliff.
Trusting that Jesus will help, will work things out, will meet me in the place of pain or peace and hold my heart, that, my darling, is all we have. Doing it on our own brings out anger, manipulation, striving and more. It certainly brings that out in me. But when I lay that other stuff down and think of my Loving Daddy in Heaven, who listens to my heart AND has the power and compassion to change something (even if it’s only my thoughts for the time being), then things change.
That process produces peace for right now and hope for the future.
It’s worth the effort.